Here are a few things that I'm tankful for this year:

• I'm thankful that I'm out of the demographic. I've seen what the demographic is fed by the media. It ain't nothing I'd want anyway.
• I'm thankful that Rick Santorum lost in Pennsylvania. The man clearly should have been pulled down in a haze of blood by a pack of gibbering wererabbits years ago.
• I'm thankful that Carrot Top is back in the Amnesia Ward of America's consciousness.
• I'm thankful for Tina Fey saying that Paris Hilton looks "like a tranny" up close. I've been saying that for years from this distance.
• I'm thankful that, at least as of this writing, The Groovy Ghoulies cartoon has been spared a Hollywood movie remake.
• I'm thankful that I'm an American because it means that I don't have to be thankful but once each year and even that token of gratitude is followed by an orgy of self-indulgent spending known as Black Friday.
• I'm thankful that being an American means that it's not only acceptable but desirable to buy gifts that satisfy my own ego rather than to buy gifts purely for the enjoyment of the giftees. Yes!
• I'm thankful that I rethought several allegiances this year. It's hard to think that you belong where you are and most likely nowhere else but it's the truth.
• I'm thankful that hookers take plastic. Have you seen the charges for cash advances lately?!
• I'm thankful that Madonna is adopting the underprivileged. I think everyone with money should do that. I also think that someone with money who wants to adopt the underprivileged should start with me.
• I'm thankful that "underprivileged" is defined by America and not, say, Kiribati. That would suck.
• I'm thankful for the simple things in life. Martinis. Dumb broads. Swinging music.
• I'm thankful that socks are cheap and plentiful in this country. If that weren't so, I'd never be able to afford to keep my dryer.
• I'm thankful that no one will read this. I mean, can you imagine?