Okay, enough of that crap. I have to work on a frigging Sunday that also happens to be New Year's Eve Day so we're going to make it quick.

I haven't been paying too much attention over the last year on account of having my balls in a vice with several bitches from Staten Island but I told Panzo I'd give this crap a shot because I needed the money.

Big night, right? Times Square? Plenty of legs to hump, if you catch my drift.

Anyway, I'm basically looking through old copies of the Star-Ledger and its partner paper, The Weekly World News, for interesting stuff that I missed while being fucked over by the Bitch Sisters. This is stuff that matters to me, understand, because I'm the only one who frigging matters.

So here it is: The Year-End Panzo PAP-up.

The biggest story in January of 2006 was the untimely deaths of all three members of my favorite rock band, Strep Throat.

During the pyrotechnic finale of "Grind Your Mother's Balls" on stage at the Billings Marriot in that Montana town, bassist Gordy Smear's guitar-mounted Everclear drip snapped loose and sprayed 190-proof liquor over guitarist Slipknot and lead singer Flange Roaster. The spark from a nearby stage incendiary caught the bandmates on fire.

No attempt to save the band was made by either stage hands or audience members as most thought the incineration was part of the act.

Refunds were offered by the Marriot and Strep Throat's label, Puking Intestine Records, but few present that night took the offers up. As one fan put it, "It was too fucking cool!"

On March 4, 2006, a complete fucking idiot Irishman named Terrance Fillwither invented the world's first invisible beer. On March 22^nd, he invented an invisible pint glass to drink it from.

Here, days before his beating death on March 30^th at the hands of most of the town of Gillingswain, Ireland, Terry is shown having a refeshing something of nothing at all.

In April, Satanic Yin found Yan as the worst product in the history of commerce met the worst concept in the history of marketing and the Ass Donut was born.

Manufactured by the Rech-Talle Bakery in Lower Segundis, Missouri, Ass Donuts were shaped like little bottoms but, so I'm told, tasted like regular powdered donuts and not ass at all.

The donuts failed to capture anyone's attention, including the target shits and giggles market. Especially ill-received were the Choco-Stripe variety.

In July, the New York City Department of Health launched Operation Squash and began the wholesale spraying of the city for cockroaches. The spray, a newly FDA approved biological compound that is delivered via a DNA agent unique to cockroaches and is fatal only to the insects, is harmless to humans and all other life.

The city is forced to halt the program after only four days when it's discovered that the chemical has killed nearly a thousand lawyers.

In August, the Wall of Death ride opens on the boardwalk at Seaside Heights, NJ.

The ride consists of a three-foot thick concrete wall and several mid-1970's Chevrolet Impalas with their accelerator pedals held down by cinderblocks. It's closed down a week later after a lawsuit charging intellectual copyright infringement is filed in state court by a New Jersey business named, La Famiglia, LLC.

Finally, in November 2006, a team of Anthropological Biologists discovered that nearly every single known problem on Earth is directly traceable to a male Emperor penguin named Steve.

Thanks a lot, asshole.

Well, that about does it for me today. I have a few hours left here to catch a ride to to Times Square for the big party.

Happy New Year to you all.

Ciao, dirtbags!