Local News | FBI wants law targeting hats, sunglasses in banks

Special Agent Larry Carr plans to work with Washington state lawmakers on legislation that would forbid banks from doing business with customers who wear hats and sunglasses while inside the bank.

What about wigs? Suppose I wear a really shaggy wig? What if I grow unnaturally long eyebrows?

What happens if I suddenly put my hat on while at the teller window? Does the 80-year old guard draw his weapon and shoot me?

Carr's measure would not include bank customers who wear hats for religious or medical reasons.

And who is going to be the arbiter of religious law? The teller? "I'm sorry Mr. Shenklewitz, (gumsnap, hairflip). Out there you might be a Hasid but in my bank, you're a bare-headed Jew!"

Who determines the medical necessity of the hat? And how?

"Our lead story tonight: A 57-year old floppy-hatted Seattle woman was shot dead by a bank security guard after passing a note to a teller that the bank guard thought was a demand for money. The woman, recently discharged from Swedish Hospital in Ballard after brain surgery, was, in reality, showing the teller a note from her doctor allowing her to wear her floppy red hat inside banks. More from KEPO 7 news reporter, Sally Sweetgrass..."

The real solution is to only allow one person at a time into the bank. If the tellers are behind shatter-proof glass like the smiling clerks at the payday loan shark joint, there is no hope for a robbery.

Better yet, the bank can strap those drive-up window tube things to the backs of robot dogs and have all of their customers do their banking from the parking lot. This way, they can sell car loans to people who have to rent a car to drive to the bank parking lot in order to use the robot dog drive-up window tubes.

That's beautiful! You can't rob the bank because you can't get into the bank! You can't take hostages because everyone will just drive away! Sure, you have a getaway car already but you can't steal anything!