Her Body: The Perils of 'Designer Vaginas'

Last week the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) Committee on Gynecologic Practice issued a statement to its members warning about the dangers of trying to create "designer vaginas" through procedures that purport to trim and slim the vaginal lips, tighten the vagina or add extra bounce to the G-spot with injectable materials like collagen.

Trim and slim the vaginal lips? What's next? The Jenny Craig 30-day Vaginal Lips Diet? The Tai-Bo Vaginal Lip Workout? Richard Simmons' Lip Up and Live?

Ladies, who the hell is critiquing those things? "Oh Marge! Just look at my fat vaginal lips! How will I ever land a man with beefy meat curtains like these?!"

Is there a lot of relationship abandonment happening out there over this? "I'm sorry, Midge but I'm leaving you for Marcia. Her vaginal lips are small, trim and fold neatly back along my shaft. I...I'm sorry."

Do women really need bouncier G-spots? Is it an erogenous zone or a trampoline? Are women sitting around in the gym locker room lamenting the flat feeling to their unadulterated squirt button? Personally, I'd worry that I'd nail the spot only to bounce off and get shot across the god damned room!

Seriously, ladies...Most of you are just fine. Ease off of this false self improvement. Concentrate on yourselves in other ways. Rather than surgically altering your clam flaps in order to try to attract and keep a man, just learn how to make a better blueberry crumble.