Once again, my unfurred friends, it's time for the Plastic Action Poodle to spring into action and save the holiday from that dumb ass Panzo.

The blog's namesake is tonight ensconced in a Vietnamese "sports massage" parlor in beautiful downtown Renton, WA, receiving the "Bally Bonce Speciar". We certainly hope his cork becomes enpopped at midnight.

At any rate, as is my usual at this time of year, I will be presenting some of the truly amazing milestones culled from newspapers that Panzo still spreads on the kitchen floor (I have yet to see him crap in there though - go figure).

The following may not be things that the rest of the world cared about in 2007 but as you should all know by now, I really don't give a frying duck what anyone else cares about.

As always, click the damn pics to see biggened ones.

January - Bleeding Jesus, Louisiana - The town fathers banned badminton in this loxed-out trucker's fuck-n-fuel stop in order to "protect our children from the scourge of seemly language".

I know. Badminton?! Well yes. You see the thing smacked back and forth over the net in the game badminton is called a shuttlecock.

"Bleeding Jesus will not be a town where small children use the term for male genitalia while playing games," said Almus Crowington, mayor.

March - Stanhope, NJ - Desperate over ever more volatile oil prices and faced with increasingly unaffordable costs at the gas pump, local resident and inventor Stanislav Dimitrynev patented something called the Flatzenthrush3000.

Billed as a revolution in fuel efficiency, the Flatzenthrush3000 supposedly increased the average miles per gallon for any car by 78%.

The only drawbacks to the Flatzenthrush3000 were its 220-kilogram weight and the fact that it had to be towed behind the vehicle while in use.

April - Flapson, Missouri - Local businessman Dale 'Dicky" Wendella had his entire perception of the world stood straight on its head when he met a fat Asian woman named Merybel at the local brothel/funeral parlor.

"I ain't never heard of a big fatty Oriental," said Wendella. "Ya only ever hear about them little skinny ones."

Marybel was quoted as saying, "I even looked him in the eye and told him no once."

The world may never recover.

July - Washington, D.C. - The world was shocked at midsummer by revelations from the Bush administration that it had funded the invention and production of a new kind of secret weapon that was used extensively across the globe.

Nearly every country that the United States deals with on a diplomatic basis saw the weapon deployed within its borders.

Dubbed "The Foreign Policy Gun", the weapon laid down a thick screen of smoke, masking nearly all substance from the American's perspective.

It continues to be the only gun of its kind that doesn't need functional mirrors to obtain its objective.

September - Carlsbad, California - Just as its league playoffs got underway, Major League Baseball was rocked with yet another drug use scandal when it was revealed that some if the league's most famous players had used spheroids.

October - Hollywood, California - A Hollywood writer's strike forced most television shows into reruns and sent desperate network executives to the bootom of their creative barrels in the Fall of 2007.

Unscripted "reality TV" became much more prevalent and far more absurd.

Some of the worst shows were:

• "Iron Man" which pitted twenty-seven bachelors against each other to see who could successfully press a pair of pleated cotton chinos.
• "Frigid" in which twelve 'hot teams' made up of both men and women tried to sexually stimulate elderly retired nuns.
• "Swim Like Ted", a show that pitted contestants against a timer to see which could invent the most convincing excuse for not reporting a drowning.

December - Seattle. Washington - The pet world stood on point when it was revealed that my little friend Chili just loves himself some damn corn.

Okay, so that was gratuitous. I promised him I'd get him on the website.

Bite me.

Anyway, here's wishing all of you knuckle bones to gnaw on and stinky stuff to roll in all year long in 2008!

Stay safe.