Starbucks wants to bring back coffee aroma

Starbucks is introducing a new automated espresso machine and getting back to grinding beans in its stores as the coffee retailer seeks to re-energize its slumping business.

Grrrrr! NO! Do you want me to really love Starbucks? Make me feel like the local sucker of this multi-tenacled thing that has suckers is unique.

Hey, I have a Starbucks in one of the buildings I spend most of my time at. I'm not running off to some other joint to blade my lines of caff, ok? But if something else opened nearby, I might just do that.

Ok listen. Starbucks? Do coffee. Don't do bears and music and cards and branded espresso machines and branded thongs and whatever else you think you must do in order to sear your name into your customers' subconscious.

Do coffee. Grind beans, tamp the powder by hand, pull the hot water expertly. Coffee. Food is cool but no more McRipoff McMuffles. None of this automatic machine bullshit.

Just. Do. Coffee.

Stop with the engineering of the trendy coffeehouse atmosphere with veneer and particle board, all right? I'd really love it if this Starbucks looked different inside from that Starbucks. After all, the reason I patronize the other coffee shops when I'm at home is because they feel like real places.

To keep customers loyal, Starbucks is adding new rewards for people who use the company's reloadable purchase card to buy their lattes and scones. Beginning in mid-April, the company will pay for any syrups or whipped cream people request with customized espresso drink. It will also offer cardholders free refills and a complimentary drink of their choice if they buy a bag of coffee beans.

WTF is the point of a Starbucks card other than giving it as a gift? Don't we have enough cards in our wallets now? My debit card is just as fast and it gets reloaded every two weeks without me doing squat (I mean to reload it. I'm really working very hard, Boss.)

Until The Beast gets around to embedding a chip in my forehead, I'll just use my debit card, thankyewverymuch.

Yo, 'buckies? Just. Do. Coffee.